Yes! I posess four of the most financially unrewarding skills ever devised and have become expert in them which is why I can't find a proper day job.

So if you wanna do any of the things in the title you should call me and give me modest amounts of money (or teach me PHP Javascript), and I will show you exciting and cool things if you pay attention.

I think £100 a day is a good rate because not only will I make you an expert, you will also phone me with stupid questions which I will spend at least an hour answering. Can't say fairer than that. It's worth it just for a day in my company.

While it may be more expensive, it beats maiming small animals.

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• Phone: 07737223141

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